Saturday, September 09, 2006

The Death of My Hope.

He doesn't know it, but I know he saw it all too... Here... Read it here...

I’ve been in the temple a lot recently. Finding no salvation. Searching for some hope. I just couldn’t find it. Not even in my special waterfall. My master wouldn’t speak to me… I couldn’t tell anyone at the temple I had become a sith recently.

I had to eat something… I needed chocolate… No better yet. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. I stood from my tiny room, and I set the picture of my mother face down against the dresser. I walked through the temple. I arrived at the kitchen…

Not now… I took a step back from the door. He had to be in there now… I peered in, why did it have to be him?

I quietly entered the kitchen. I hung tight to the wall, and I looked at myself. I was wearing lingerie… Oh no… I rushed by, and I opened the freezer. I grabbed the ice cream without saying a word. I looked in the metal of the deep freeze, and saw Obi-Wan.

I sat down across the table from him. I didn’t look up to him. I lifted the lid, and I dug the spoon in. I looked up to him, and looked back down again.

“Can’t ya sleep?” He asked.

“Its been three days,” I said softly, looking up at him.

“Are ya’ll alright?”

“I’ve been better Ben,” I covered my mouth, “I’m sorry,” I apologized quickly and looked down, “I didn’t mean to let it slip.”

That’s why I never speak to him. I always say something stupid.

“Don’t be sorry, If something is bother ya’ll feel free ta talk. I can eat and listen,” he said sipping on his soup.

“I uh…” I stumbled. Speak Erifia! He’s not the same boy you had a crush on.

“Do I make ya’ll nervous for some reason Erifia?”

“No!” I snapped at him, a little too harsh, I began to shove in mouthfuls of ice-cream. I can’t talk with a full mouth afterall.

“This date contest thing with that Darth person is unbelievable, don’t ya think? I should have stopped Kriss from going. He’s a Sith lord from another time,” he said.

“Would you ever go on a date with a sith?” I asked softly, my stomach turning, what a stupid question! Now he’s going to now. Just keep it a secret, but I can’t even do that.

He had a funny look. He was a Jedi Master. Somehow I knew his answer.

“Jedi don’t date, Erifia,” he rubbed his chin, “And I don’t personally know any sith women.”

There was this feeling that came over me. It turned everything around. It tingled all over, but it wasn’t a good tingle. It made me want to vomit. I felt as though everything in my being had been crushed, and sweat beaded on my brow as my body leaned back in the chair.

“Of course,” I said in a detached voice.

“Why do ya’ ask?” he replied.

“Small talk,” I said ever softly, Because I have the hugest crush on you, and for a gameshow I had to become a sith.

“Ya know, ya shouldn’t walk around half dressed in the temple.”

“Does it not please you?” I asked softly and then realized what I had said, I buried my face in the crook of my elbow. No… Can’t I just shut-up.

He dropped the spoon and it made a clinging noise, “Scuse me?”

“I mean.” I said muffled through my elbow, “I am wearing more than what I normally wear…” I am done… Let me just curl up and die.

“Put this thing on ‘fore someone else sees ya’ll,” he said giving me his cloak.

“Are you ashamed of my body?” I asked, sounding more like my old self.

“Excuse me? It’s not my place to be ashamed of ya’ll’s body, or even look at it for that matter. Put the robe on!” he snapped at me.

I hung my head low. I began to poke at the ice cream. No. I wasn’t going to be submissive anymore. I threw the robe on the ground.

“No. I am not. Why is it okay for you to not wear a robe, and why must I? Do you want me to be a shy quiet girl who listens to everything you say?!” I let out with haste and emotion.

“I am Master, and usually knights listen to what Master’s have to say. I don’t have to wear a robe, true, but I don’t end up in the kitchen have neked either. Its disrespectful to yerself and others,” he snapped.

“Oh how far you’ve fallen…” I said softly, “Am I the only one around here who feels anything?”

I had to do something… I had to. Had he really forgotten everything… Forgotten what it was like to be a child and feel? I walked up to him, and I kissed his lips. I felt emotion, but I was unsure of whether he did. If it got me kicked out of the temple, then no big. It was worth it. He has to feel… He has too.

“Erifia!” He yelled, “What had gotten in to ya? Ya can’t go around kissing people!”

“I wanted you to be my first real kiss,” I said softly, “I wanted you to feel… But it’s too late for you… Forgive me for giving you any distress.”

He stood there unsure of what to do next, “I am flattered that ya feel this way. Ya’ll know the code, Erifia. These things are forbidden. And even if they were no, ya are like a sister to me. Ya must clear these thoughts from ya’ll mind.”

Tears began to form in my eyes, “But I am a sister you can’t care for,” I said, “Because of the code. Why do you care what happens to Kriss? Because you care about Kriss. For someone who is not supposed to feel any emotion, you’ve sure got a lot of it flowing through your head. Did you know modesty is an emotion? So you can preach to me about the code. But at least I let people know I don’t follow it. I don’t try to keep it hidden.”

I was crying now, from frustration, anger and sadness, “But the Obi-Wan who always made Aayla stop beating on me, the Obi-Wan who told me everything would be okay. The One who would let me come to his room and cry late at night. Is dead,” I spat at him, “So next time I kiss you, think about how long I’ve cared for you this way, and try to feel something.”

I threw the ice cream into the freezer and the spoon into the sink, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry myself to sleep tonight, because I still feel sadness when someone I love dies!”

“Erifia, I do care what happens to ya’ll! I’m not without feelings. Just not the feelings you want. I’m sorry, but that can’t happen. This behavior will get ya kicked out da’ order. I don’t want to see that happen. Ya’ll forget I am on the counsel,” he paused, “I suggest ya’ll talk to someone.”

“And you are all the more weaker for it,” I said, clenching my fists, “So Ben, when you are an old man, and you realize I am right, and I’m on the other side of the galaxy or dead, you’ll finally realize that all you were wrong, and that I was right!”

“No, I won’t. I’m sorry, but I won’t.”

I tried once more. He had to feel something… He had to feel something. I can’t not try again. I leaned to him, and I brought my lips to his, softly touching them and I pulled back, I looked with hope in my eyes. If he felt nothing, than the worst that could happen is he could kick me out of the order.

He shoved on my shoulder, making me take a step back.

“That’s twice ya’ll have tried, and twice I have refused. Ya’ll have your answer. Don’t do it again.”

I laid my hand on his cheek, “Goodbye Ben. I’ll miss you. You’ll always haunt my dreams.”

I took a step back from him. There is no love for me… The Force won’t see it fit for me… I turned and walked towards the door, I looked over my shoulder, “Goodbye Ben.”

I wanted him to rush after me and grab me, turn me around and kiss me. But I knew it would never happen.

If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go mourn the death of someone I cared for more than I care to imagine,

Lost hugs, and emotionless kisses,
Erifia Apoc

13 Comments:

Blogger Phobia said...

I'm sorry Erifia... If you'd like to chat...I have an open ear. Once I get back from hopefully what isn't a wild goosechase. I do understand, more than you could know. *hugs*

1:18 AM  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

If you need a hug and a shoulder to cry on, you know who to call. You know, as a friend.

1:50 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Sorry to hear about your emotional loss, Erifia.

5:39 AM  
Blogger Skywalker said...

See, what you need to do, and if it works I don't want details, is go him room at night a just... attack, if you get me.

4:49 PM  
Blogger Dark Jedi Kriss said...

You know how Jedis are. They need to be more like us, have some fun once and a while.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Master Obi-Wan said...

Anakin, you are not helping!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Yeah, it sucks that you would have to fall for what seems like the only Jedi in the temple who actually follows the rules. I like Anakin's plan, you should give that a go.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

Erifia, I don't think Anakin's approach will work for Obi-Wan. You probably need to be more subtle with him.

9:55 PM  
Blogger Epsilon 775 said...

Ouch. Shut down by Kenobi. Sorry 'bout that one. Have a consolation Corellian (We troopers call it that, it's a Corellian Ale to help you kill off the shock and sorrow) on the squad and I.

10:40 PM  
Blogger Barriss Offee said...

My friend, your not the only one who has been shut out like that because of the code.

2:55 AM  
Blogger Onslaught said...

I APPRECIATE YOUR OFFER OF ASSISTANCE. ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE THE VISION OF XAVIER SHALL BE PUT TO THE SWORD.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Master Obi-Wan said...

I care and I do feel bad. I'm not completly cold hearted!

11:14 PM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Obi-Wan, just think of it as another experience within the force and don't resist, it's neither a dark side or light side thing, it simply is. Now go make nice!

11:45 PM  

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