Monday, September 11, 2006

The Death of My Soul

Dantooine. The rain was running down along my lekkus dripping off the items I had attached to the ends. It ran softly down along my cheek, and then to the ground. I love the rain. Because when its raining no one can see me cry.

It was a mesh of tears and rain in the end. I began to run. I had to run. I ran through fields, and I ran through trees, and then I collapsed… How could I have been so stupid? How? He could have never loved me.

Maybe it would be better if I started living like them, and go against what my master taught me… With no emotion, there can be no pain. My lekkus tried to wiggle to comfort me but failed because of the weight of my essentials on them.

“The Jedi eschew their natural form… They are emotional beings…”

My head shot up, there was a woman standing there…

“And there is such a thing as righteous anger…”

“Who said I was angry?!” I yelled.

“How can they judge?” she said looking at me… “What is right and what is wrong? Who decides that?”

“The counsel… Who are you?”

“Your Yoda refused to allow Qui Gon to instruct The One in the ways of the force because there was so much anger in him…”

“I know he did… What are you trying to say? Who are you?”

“But Your Windu, he practices righteous anger? Where does his righteous anger stop and the unrighteous anger begin? The Jedi sect, my dear, is filled with hypocrisy. ‘Our anger is justified, while yours is not.’”

I grabbed my sabers off my lekkus and extended both of them. The bright white and dark purple shining off both our wet faces.

“Do I have sith tattooed on my forehead?”

“Nope,” I spat, I didn’t like the way she was talking… She was wrong!

“Then what justification do you have to kill me? Because my opinion is different?” She asked, she gave me the chills.

“Stop it! Tell me who you are?!”

“I am Nepharia,” She said “And I am older than I look. But I did not come here to pick a fight… You looked like someone who needed help.

“So what if I did?” I said, “You are odd feeling,” I looked at her… “Why are you here?”

“Why are YOU here?”

“Because, No-one at the temple feels anything except me… And I am tired of being the only one who feels…” Why was I speaking to her so openly, it had to be a trick, right? I shook my head.

“Feeling… They are always telling you to search your feelings, aren’t they? And at the same time you are supposed to keep them in check,” she was so graceful when she spoke, she walked forward, and I lowered my swords, “A bit ironic, yes?” She placed one hand on my shoulder.

“Yes, but…” I tried to pull away… “Stop it!” I said, “Stop it!” She held me firmly in place though…

“You have not made up your mind to be a jedi yet, have you?” She whispered in my ear.

I shook my head, “Yes! I’m a Jedi Knight. I was raised to be a jedi since I was three, I know no other way…”

She held firmly on my shoulder and walked around to the front of me, she knelt before me, looking up, “What is it that Yoda always use to tell me? ‘I sense great confusion in you.’” She paused and smiled, stop listening to her! “Since then I have found my place… You’re not sure of your place, are you?”

“Stop it! Stop it!” She was making sense… Master Yoda had told me so many times, ‘Confused you seem, young Jedi.’ No. No. No. I couldn’t listen to her any longer…

“Shutup!” I screeched as I tried to back away from her. But holding my ankle, I couldn’t get away, as if I was paralyzed.

“If you find me so offensive,” she said releasing my ankle, and when she did I saw so much clearer, “Then strike me down. But you won’t do it. Because I understand you more than you think… And the Jedi have more of a hold on you than you think. You don’t strike me down because I have given you no reason. If you want to enter a new world, you will kill me.” She took several steps back.

“What hold?!” I yelled at her, “If you don’t think I’ll kill you, then why are you backing off? Do you fear death? Come on Nepharia. If I am right about you. Where is your saber?”

“I have a saber. But as I said, I did not come here to pick a fight… Is that what you are looking for? A fight?”

I couldn’t stop thinking. My mind was running a mile a minute. I needed answers. But… But… “What did you do to me?” I asked holding my temples…

“I did nothing but tell you the truth,” she said looking at me seriously, “Truth to some… You must figure out what is your truth.”

“When you touched me…” I said, “What did you do when you touched me?!” I felt secure, almost like she was my mother telling me everything would be okay.

“Your life is in your own hands… What you choose to do with it is yours. You must decide what is right and quit letting others tell you what is right… You may be ready… in time…”

I looked at her wanting. Was this my mother in another form? Was she someone who knew me when I was a baby… Nepharia… Darth Nepharia…

“What have you done to me? Who are you really?”

“I have done nothing but reveal the truth to you,” Why does she keep saying that… “My name is Darth Nepharia… You know the form…” She paused reaching out, “I am here, and you are here… As if the force has called us here together… You chose this grove for a reason…It is still your choice…”

I extended my sabers, but they only came out half way… They began to shrink in size, “What have you done?” I asked again, “How do you know me?” There were so many questions, “How did you make me feel safe…when…” I couldn’t finish my sentence.

“Because you came here for a reason… And you still have questions that the jedi cannot answer… or will not answer…” She took another step forward.

I looked at her, watching her, “Stop it…” I said softly, without the force I normally could put behind it.

“Even the Jedi know you must make up your own mind. But you do not seem like you are ready to leave the Jedi ranks just yet… Yet the questions you have, the Jedi do not seem able to answer.”

“Then answer them for me,” I said, “Why am I the only one who allows my emotion to be shown, when everyone else hides it?”

“Because they are afraid… Your emotions are who you are. The Force can help you find them, but the Jedi would have you ‘use’ them for their purpose, but ‘suppress’ them for your own purpose…”

“I never thought about that…” I looked at her, “No… No… You’re wrong…”

“Am I?” She asked walking forward another step.

“They will never call me Darth Inferna again! Stop it!” I had to step away from her, if her mother’s touch was felt again, maybe I couldn’t stop it.

“As I said, it’s your choice…” She turned and was gone in a flash of lightning…

I knelt in the mud as the rain poured down on my head. I looked where she was… So many questions… So many…

(Can there be no redemption for someone such as me,
No there can’t as long as She Does Be.)


If you’ll excuse me… I need to take a dive out into space…

Fists and Punches,
Dar…

No!

Hugs for dead hope, and Kisses of flowing tears,
Erifia Apoc

11 Comments:

Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Did I leave a comment earlier? That's odd, I thought that I did.

Don't trust her, Erfia. I think she's up to something.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Steady as you go, Erifia; it might be time for some counselling from a wise one.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Jabafatboy said...

Be wary little one. Not sure why but it seems wrong.

Butt Then Again, Im a Hutt , What do i know ?

1:30 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I don't know she seems hot. and hot women are always right ... right?

5:20 PM  
Blogger Master Obi-Wan said...

Dont trust her!

9:42 PM  
Blogger Skywalker said...

Hot women are always right. We are ALWAYS wrong.

9:43 PM  
Blogger Dark Jedi Kriss said...

That is corret, we are always right!
But I still wouldn't trust her.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Onslaught said...

DO YOU HAVE A FAST CAR? THERE MAY NOT BE MUCH OF THE EARTH LEFT BY THE TIME YOU GET HERE.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Darth Inferna said...

*Whisper* Let me out Erifia...

11:04 PM  
Blogger Synth-Lin said...

Hi,

FYI - I'm not an android. I'm a synthoid. There are parts of me that are metal (mostly weaponry and shielding) but I am made of synthetic materials and I function just like a normal human being.

Also I am sentient.

So there

Love you all

Lin

1:58 AM  
Blogger Darth Nepharia said...

My, my, Everyone -- being a bit harsh on me don't you think?

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm actually very good at my job and I get so much satisfaction from it....

8:27 AM  

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