Friday, June 09, 2006

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Hello, my name is Erifia Apoc. I am a Jedi Knight. On top of that, I am one of the Republic's best spies. Since I've began keeping this journal, things have become worse, and better countless times. I've been hurt, I've been healed.

Right now and since the beginning, I have Denied the rules of the Jedi order to restrict emotions. Many have questioned why I do this. I have answered, and I will answer again, for those not paying attention. If you restrict your emotions, than eventually they will overwhelm you, and you give into them.

Anger, is one of them. Aayla Secura has been angry with me since I was three, and for a time, she gave into the dark side of the force. I am angry with her, and guess what, I've never hid it. It is healthy, my hate and anger for her. It keeps me from going to the dark side.

I have kept myself alive. Its me against the universe, those who are my friends, know who you are, and I do honestly care for you. But everyday, I wonder if you would ever compromise our friendship for your own gains, use it as a bargaining chip. I understand if you do, its our nature. Anyone with a soul therefore has weakness. I accept it. Honestly...

Recently, I was told to go to a place called Langoria. Langoria's people had been destroyed for some time. I came up with a theory, its weak, but it shows you how I think, how I feel. The Langorian Government, in its quest for power and glory, destroyed the very people who put them there. Its somewhat depressing, if you think of it. I have, long and hard. Somehow I don't quite trust my bosses as much as I should. There is something off. They have been hiding something, and since I am on their side, I can't delve into it.

I have decided, that unless it is a mission that involves saving whole planets, helping innocent people, or sabatoging enemy plans or ships, that I refuse to gather more information. They must accept this. Should they not, then they will lose me forever. It may not seem like a good plan, but it is. I have listened to them unconditionally. I've been their puppy. The one who does as told, and questions nothing they tell me to do. Its over now... Now I will question each thing they tell me to do. If I don't hear the answers I like, I will feign illness, or say the temple needs me.

I am rich. I've got an astounding amount of money. I would never ever gloat, or shove it in a person's face. That's not my style. I am hoarding it for retirement. And to have fun with it when I please. Maybe, if I have a child one day, that child will benefit from my hoarding of money.

I'm sorry I've been going off on some wild tangent, but going to Langoria and almost getting stranded there, it made me think. Think about life.

So, I've come to the conclusion I am going to pick and choose what missions I accept, maybe even get a little buisness on the side... Maybe hit up early retirement. I hope so... It would be so nice to retire when I'm thirty in eight years.

Besides, being a single mother (of a tauntaun) is kind of rough, especially when the child eats as much as Tatooine does.

If you'll excuse me, I need to work on my life a bit,

Hugs and Kisses,
Erifia Apoc.

PS. Why did I pick the five stages of acceptance for a title? Because, When I was a child, I denied who I was, then I was angry at Aayla for hating who I had become, when I was a padawan I tried bargaining to become better than what I thought I was, then during the late years of being a padawan, I was depressed a lot, finally, now that I am a jedi-knight, I accepted myself, and I accepted the universe's habit of sucking.


Blogger Barriss Offee said...

wow, I never knew because you never show me.

8:42 PM  

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