Saturday, June 30, 2007

Questions from you: Set 1

Thanks for your questions! The First set are answered here. Want to ask another question, or ask a first question, ask here:

Robin, The Boy Wonder asks Erifia, “Which celebrity would you marry/have sex with/push off a cliff?”

Well Robin, the answer is different for all three. See your earthen men don’t hold much sway for me, all of them are petty and spoiled. As far as marrying, I could have a happy life with George Lucas.

Having sex with? That’s a bit harder, since I am a jedi, and I have a vow of celibacy, I would have to say, Jay Laga'aia. Don’t know who he is, Boy Wonder? Look him up.

Push off a cliff? I would force shove any of the following actresses off a cliff and not think twice, Fran Dreschire, Brittany Spears, Rosie O’Donnel, and Paris Hilton.

Now the best question of all, is who would I do all three to? Sean Connery *Sigh*. I would marry him, have sex with him, and push him off a cliff, just to see what he would do to survive, and marvel at him after he had.

This comes from the Yellow Bee-like Henchman from the Local Union 432 to Erifia, “What’s up with the mood swings?”


Does… Does everyone think I have moodswings? I mean I can’t help it… Its not my fault… *sob*

But it could be worse *smile*.

*Scowl* Have you ever been around a woman long enough to actually see how she is, or am I the only female contact you’ve ever had? *Laughter*

Seriously… I don’t have mood swings.

This comes from Jon, Intergalactic Gladiatorand it is aimed at Becca, “Dear Becca, What’s it like being a sidekick? Do you think this is your calling or do you see yourself working up to hero? If you were a hero, what would your sidekick be?”

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Hey Jon! Its been awhile, ever since you shoved me in that room and made me pick one of your contestants for me to be the sidekick of.

Being a sidekick isn’t bad. Like, the worst part is the “Busy” work the heroes have you do. I am the one who cleans the ship and takes care of the tauntaun, sort of like a babysitter. Whatever. I also have to save the hero a lot. I’ve saved Erifia at least six times from death.

As far as whether it is my calling or not? I get paid I don’t know, around 50 credits a day, plus free food and free board. Somedays, I get to sit around and watch TV. Do you know how great that is? Why be the hero, then you actually have to do… I don’t know… Like Real work!

I don’t know who or what my sidekick would be… Its like… I don’t know… Not something I think about. I suppose my sidekick would be the stupid Tauntaun, or maybe a young boy, about fourteen.

He would follow me around all the time and he would always be drooling. And his catch phrase would be, “Huh?” Do you know… I don’t know… Like… I don’t know… Like…. How annoying someone saying, I don’t know, like… Huh? All the time would be?

His name would be… Smally MacGuiness. I would call him smalls. His “power” would be to become a gaseous form whenever so no-one would hit him. And he’s always, I don’t know, say… “Huh?” When they missed.

I hope that helps Jon.

This next question comes from Private Hudson, “Dear Becca, Will u b my valemtime?”

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Uhm… I don’t know… You mean the earth holiday, Saint Valentines day, which was created in honor of Saint Valentine, who rebelled against the Romans so that Christians could love whoever they wanted?

I don’t know… How many girls do you ask?

Like… Better questions, How many girls don’t you ask?

I don’t know, I have a deal Hudson… If you stop watching the ship, waiting for Erifia or I to come out, and you promise never to peep on any woman anywhere, I will go out on Saint Valentines day with you…

I need you to sign a waiver, and I don’t know, I need it in writing that you won’t peep. If you do, no date…

- - -

Hey everyone, thanks for your questions, keep them coming, I will be answering them. One set every three days.

-The Author!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Author needs YOUR Help!

Hey Cats and Kiddies!

This here is Erifia’s Author. I’ve got some propositions to make for you. The thing is, I need your help. That’s right, I need your help. I have forced, all of the characters of this blog into a (possibly) one time event and I need your help.


For anyone who reads this… ANYONE! I want you to come up with a question. Wait… Scratch that… I need you to pick one of my characters. Want a list?

Erifia Apoc
Darth Inferna
Padawan Erifia Apoc
Tatooine the Tauntaun
Becca the Magnificant
Jedi Master Gerith Gwin (Deceased)
Aayla Secura (Not mine)
The Wookie Psychiatrist
The Orange Palps (Emperor Palpatine – Also Not Mine)
And of course… Myself. Erifia’s Author

Come up with a question. Any question. ANY QUESTION!

It can be anything… For those of you who only read my Blog and don’t comment, send in a question. I will take them Anonymously too.

To give me your question send me an e-mail at

Here is what it is broken down… Title it “To (Insert Character Name Here)” Then give me the question in the e-mail along with who you want it to be answered to.

It will take like… Three or four minutes. Send one of my Characters a Question please.

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-The Author

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Bigger-Whinier-Babier-Vadier (Sapphire)

(See what the Doofus sees.)

I rolled into the hull of the Executor, and I landed my beat up old, CIS bomber. I shot it once with the blaster at my side, and it exploded. I sighed heavily.

Then I saw it. I walked up to it and kissed it. I pressed myself against it, it was a Tie Bomber. It was amazing. Shiny, new, black… I climbed into it, the R2 unit began to whistle and hiss. I shot it.

It silenced itself, and began to do the work. I kicked on the thrusters and jutted out of the hull.

I found his com channel, but I didn’t say anything, instead I shot down several Tie-Fighters, and they never saw it coming.

I slipped into an escort group, and I was with the bombers it was leading towards the hull of the Mon Calamari.

“Where are you Starburst. I still feel your force,” said the baby.

“How about this Baby… I am going to do a little trick that they didn’t teach you.”

I closed my eyes. I concentrated through the force, and I extended, and masked my force in a way an old teacher taught me so long ago. When I opened my eyes, my force signature was buried in about three hundred places.

Every Tie Bomber attacking the cruiser. This included my own. It was the only way I could get him off of my fighters, and the only way we could win.

“I will tell you this…Baby… I am in a Tie Bomber. Let’s play a little game. Which one am I in?”

He growled in the Com, and his voice was heavy and angry, “This is an order from Darth Vader. All Tie Fighters, fire on your bombers… Now!”

I laughed into the Com, and as the fighters who were escorting me, turned and began firing on me. I swerved to avoid it like all of the other bombers were doing. I clicked into the secure line and hit up the Lead Mon Calamari, “I’ve got them distracted, take out that Second Star Destroyer and then get out of here.”

I clicked back to Vader’s line, “Starburst! Starburst! I have you now.” He fired on the bomber to my right, and I laughed, “Poor guy.”

He swept down and held on me, “I think this is you…”

“It probably is, you should shoot and kill it.”

I pulled hard and spun towards him. He fired his torpedos, and they came right at me. I spun up, and released a volley of bombs at him.

“I have her. Stop firing on the bombers…”

I heard on the same line, “The bombers are all gone sir. The only one left is the one you are firing on.”

“You are Rebel Scum, and I am going to kill you. Like I did everyone at the-“ I clicked my com on a different channel, “Did that upset you?” He continued, “I can feel it, your force signature has changed. You are angry… Use it…”

I snapped my finger as I rolled the ship, “You don’t know who you are talking to, kid. I was holding a saber while you were still a sand-child. You ain’t got Nothing on me.”

He fired the torpedos at me, “All, got a little stand stuck up your craw?!”

He fired them again, and I spun, letting them hit the Executor again.

“Aww… Poor thing. Not talking, you only speak Sand People, huh?” I screamed in Tuscan at him, it was lewd.

“You are a stupid Jedi!”

“You are a dust-headed Sand Child. Go back home! Oh wait, you destroyed your home… Why don’t you take that Egg to the ruins on Corouscant?”

“Shut-up!” He rumbled and my shi shook as ten torpedoes were flung from his, aimed at me, and hitting the Executor.

“Hey… Lightbright Chest… Take a look over there, at your second Destroyer…”

The Star Destroyer was glowing red, and the pieces began to break and fall apart in dull explosions. It began to break and crack, and I spun hard heading towards the debris… I heard the engines of the Calamari starting, and if I didn’t get in, I would be as good as dead.

“So what, I will build more…”

“But, guess what, you are out of Bombers and Vulnerable, And while you wear that Black Mushroom Head Helmet, you can’t see through these debris…”

I pushed through the fire, and I spun around some metal jutting out, and pulled in a circle and went through a hall in the ship, then I saw a bombed hole. I fired decorating the hall with my bombs, and I flew through the hole.

“Goodbye Princess!” I yelled into the com, kicked on my thrusters, and I went towards the dock. I landed in and my ship struck the wall as the Calamari shifted into hyperspace.

I landed on the floor, and rolled out of my ship, and laid on the floor looking at the ceiling. I began laughing heavily, and a rebellion pilot came over, and he grabbed my hand and helped me up, “Thanks Sapphire,” he said, “We’d have all died without you.”

“No. You boys can handle yourself.”

I need a bath,

Sapphire out.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Big-Whiny-Baby-Vader (Sapphire)

(See what the Doofus sees.)

We came out of hyperspace in a bad place. The Rebellion was heading off an attack against the Empire. Isn’t it always that way?

This was no ordinary battle. It was a battle in which, I am sure we would not be walking away from. Six Star Destroyers, one of them led by the baby, Darth Vader, against three of our old GAR cruisers, and a Mon Calamari.

They called me. Why? I can never be sure. They told me they had my requirements to fly for them, and I showed up.

It pays well. Fifty Credits a Tie-Fighter.

The Sapphire family would eat well tonight.

When the alarm sounded, I was taking a nap in the storage room, and I woke, and ran for my ship. A CIS Bomber. I smiled while I rubbed its rusting hull.

The Sapphire family would eat very well tonight.

I hopped into the ship, and I masked myself. I activated my com, and I put on my custom helmet to fit my lekkus, “This is Lone-Flyer Starburst reporting in.”

“Starburst, you have your orders, be sure to keep the channels on the others and assist your fellows as needed.”


I activated the old gears, and I launched out of the hull. I forgot how beautiful space was. I never stopped and looked anymore… It was nice, I was the first one out, and I would probably be the last one back.

I switched my com, to the enemy’s. Why don’t they ever think to do that? I flew towards the baby’s Star Destroyer… That ball looking thing on the top of it? Yeah, I am going to bust his balls.

The tie fighters poured out of the ship like bees. That’s little better then what they were. They were clones, sure, but their training was that of what a queen bee would say to her drones, “Food, get, now.” That’s when I heard the baby, “Form up behing me, the leader is mine.”

He then spoke again, “Shoot to kill!”

Duh- Stupid… In Space one shot is death.

“Your fighters are outnumbered. I do not take prisoners, your ships will be destroyed.”

Was he talking to me?

“I suppose you are speaking to me, Baby. Uhm, I think we are going to fight anyway. You might want to comm back to your Destroyer, Your balls are getting busted baby.”

I released a volley of bombs onto them, from behind the main thrusters, having flown under the destroyers, and going up around.

He spoke, as I saw his elite fighters, turn towards where I was, “Starburst, we meet again. I should have known it was you, leading these fools to their deaths.”

“See, Baby, they don’t let me lead anymore, after that assault where we lost near about a thousand fighters on taking out six destroyers, remember that?” I bit my tongue as I spun around an asteroid.

Three bursts of energy grazed my hull, as he spoke in my ear, “Tragic, your skills were lacking, they always were, Not much has changed.”

I dodged right, and then flew tight against the bottom of the Star Destroyer, if I wanted to make any money, I needed to get away, “You, on the other hand, forgot how sneaky I was.”

I did a hard right turn, and spun over the huge Destroyer’s hull, and I swooped towards a group of Tie Interceptors, “Tag,” I said, as the bomb exploded, sending two halves into the ones next to it, “You’re it.”

A metallic voice filled my cockpit, “Tracking torpedo locked on, impact in five-four-five-six-seven-eight.” I pulled up hard, flying right back towards Baby Vader.

“You lost this,” I laughed, “It wants you back.” I spun towards the hull.

“You can’t win this with tinker toys, Starburst. I almost had you once, and I will again. A laser hit my window, and my ship swerved, “You always did think you were better then everyone else.”

“No, I am better then you,” I released a volley of bombs up the hall of the Executor, “Aww, I missed you, baby.”

Another torpedo spun in and struck my side, “And just have you missed, Jedi?”

“Now,” I said taking quickened breaths, seeing my ship getting beat up, “What makes you think I am a jedi?”

My ship started sputtering and it was on fire, “I’m going down baby, congrats, you did it… Now, go kill rebellion troops… Have fun you son of a - - -“ I shut off my com so he would get static, and I shot the ship right where I was headed making it appear as though I had blown up.

I needed a new ship.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Okay… You people hate me now… Look at what the Author did to Erifia…

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I seriously am not this red eyed monster…

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Stop thinking that with your terrible mind…

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Come now, that’s too far.

Look… I’m trying to make it up to her. But it had to happen people… Trust me.

However, I want you all to enjoy, Ms. Leuba Sapphire’s adventures while the her in the past fixes her issues.

Speaking of Issues. I am taking Erifia, Becca, Tatooine, and Myself to Endor.

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Probably be there for about a week, and she will get better I promise.

She did when I took her to the beach…

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Speaking of getting better, Becca doesn’t know how to pitch a tent, light a fire, catch fish, hunt, gather berries, or sleep and eat, I’m pretty sure.

Erifia is totally comatose.

And Tatooine means well, but his tail knocks everything down. Maybe I should conjure up some Darth Inferna… She always seems to know what she is doing…

Oh well…

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About interrupting…

-The Author!